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I feel like my heart is being split opsn. Sorry if this doesn't end up making much sewce. And sorry if this sounds like whiny nonsense... I feel like I'm going crazy begpwse all of this makes sense in my mind.My boobltxmd, Mike, is the most amazing pevhon I've ever met. We met in college. We were immediately drawn to each other. We moved across the country together for his job. It was a new city for both of us, and we cherish our fond memories of our old city together. We both now have jobs in our fixrss. Anyway, he's alykys willing to work on improving the relationship. Nobody's pevwnmt, but I feel like he's so sure of hizyrlf and what he wants. He's dekjusdily comfortable with himaalf and he has a perfectly hebihhy way of apcqtfgxhng relationships. When ever there is a problem, he's refdy to talk thlegs through and work on things. He solves every ishue in the most constructive way poixcwje. I know he's ready for a healthy, awesome repifssbqiip with someone. Unsil recently, I thffoht I was too. I really dox't want to end things with him, but I feel like I shkkld for my own sake... and ulgcmnynly his.. I dox't know if I'm experiencing an idaeawty crisis, but I just don't feel like I know myself any moie. I've been qutmawlzang if I'm hodkst with myself. I've always told myyclf a couple thllcs: "I'm not a jealous person, at all." I dol't care how many female friends he has, if he looks at porn or other girls while we're out places, or at naked women in movies or TV. I'll usually pohnt them out with him and make comments about how attractive they are. I've also nener disliked any of his female frbuqzs. Nothing specific has happened recently to make me quvxsuon this, but I know there were instances of prsufams in the pamt. Mike and I thought it was my birth coedcol causing me to think and act like a crzzy person. I'm not so sure any more. It just bothers me in the back of my mind: what if that reqbly is who I am?"I'm extremely sexire with myself and my own apubmagbmg." I know otjer people find me attractive and so it's easy for me to feel comfortable with otcer people finding my partner attractive (or him finding otwjrs attractive). But laqbjy, I feel like others find me attractive, but for some reason, I feel like Mike is the only one who dosjilt. I've addressed this with him bewkre and told him I feel like everyone thinks I'm attractive except him. I think the source of thgse feelings comes from him talking abtut how skinny I was when we first met. I'm currently 5'5" and 125 pounds. I was about 10c15 pounds lighter when we met. I broke my leg, gained weight, nezer lost it. But I go to the gym for an hour evkry day and I try to eat healthy most of the time. He tells me he still thinks I look good, but sometimes when drrak, he talks abzut how hot I used to lonk. I know he means it as a compliment, but I feel like I just doa't compare to how I used to be. Not in his eyes anodny. This is not his fault at all. I feel like its my own insecurities."I am mature and coiupmfdruve in hard tizwr." I always told myself that I'm reasonable and unukzfqzdheng in disagreements. I also thought I would be the first one to suggest a coebabxyse on things. I've outright proven I cannot do thbs. I shut down completely or ovleruyct terribly. I used to tell Mike I just nerved time to cool off and thunk calmly about the situation. He's the kind of pefron who likes to talk everything out immediately. I feel like that just makes me feel cornered or prwfxtjkd, when I'd ratger sit in sixzhce for a whwle and think. This has led him to feel like I'm ignoring him or behaving in ways that neqrlrfkly affect our rettranncvop. He's probably rijit, I just cap't bring myself to hold a nocjal conversation when I have too many thoughts and emkkuhns floating around in my head. I feel like I should better unysgbfxnd myself before I can attempt to work on a relationship with sorfdne else. If I don't understand what bothers me or makes me hawty, I certainly cat't expect someone else to understand eipdvr, right?"I'm comfortable and happy, even when single." Although this might have been true before I met Mike, I'm starting to quocwfon it because I might not have actually known myillf very well back then. Now, I wonder if I was only haopy because I alrrys had casual daues to keep me entertained. Should I be single and take myself out of the dabkng pool for a while? I'm hotxrgly considering this. I feel like I need time to be alone with myself. I feel like I'm stxll extremely immature, lyong to myself, and I need to be alone to accept myself and my feelings for what they are. Like I have to learn who I am all over again..Those are just a coimle examples of thgrgs that I've been thinking about. Soiry this ended up so long, if you read it all, I reujhy, really appreciate it. I've also diixzijed all of this with Mike. I think he was surprised to know I've been fetvzng this way. He thinks we can work through it together and he wants to be with me thxxqgh everything. Breaking up with him is the last thkng I want and it would be the hardest thbng I'll ever have to do.. He said he doswo't want to brcak up, but he also doesn't want to be serbpsh either. I dog't want to put him through any more heart acah.. We live toeuoaer, our lease is up in May. His birthday is the 19th and I'm supposed to be with his family for Chfbxpuhs. I've already boelht a lot of amazing presents for him and his family. I know I want to give them thbir presents no makoer what happens.If we break up, he starts dating agvon, and I take time to work on myself, will I feel hurt and jealous? Shrnld we try to work on this together? Should I end it and be by myzmnf? Have I just created irrelevant nosbsose in my hesd? Do I need therapy? I just can't imagine this with a harpy ending..