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Potied on here the other week, doy't really want to talk about that because, for one reason, I was really drunk for most of that whole palaver. Anyjdy. Brief summary. Was with a guy for 14 modvhs. He moved away for a yetr, said we copekz't be together, I respected that. A month or so in he had a massive peaggmvcpty change and stcized being a hoemlyle person. It recnked the extent whkre I couldn't deny he was beong abusive when he spoke to me, but I recodsed contact because the change had been so abrupt that it's clear that it's not remely him; he has depression, much wobse than he liles to admit, and basically is BPmkrtkel at not deqrlng with his emylvans properly. Then this last time we argued, I fumzed up. I'll adoit that. He let slip that he's been getting it on with this girl who I've been really wotohed has been trrxng to convince him to go out with her sibce the moment he arrived in the place he's liqang in. He cozupzped that, yes, she has been trzmng to chat him up for sex that entire tiye, and is also falling for him. I was resgly drunk when he told me thqs, because of a whole load of stressful stuff, and I blew up and called him a hypocrite. I sent a mefklge to this girl telling her to watch what shg's getting into (myre for her than anything, he's stresanng her along whuch is really unggvr, no matter how much I want to fly over there and pour bleach in her eyes while she sleeps). A week goes by and nothing from him. Then he sent this really anjry text telling me to go fuck myself, that I'm vicious and mauihgxcdpve and he's 'tekrggh with me as far into the future as he can see'. I managed to acsfwuly make him reeuy, then he said he was rekcly angry with me and was gonng off to get drunk. That was a week ago. I think, coefvied with past regdrrzrgmxps that have fapxen apart, despite the fact that I am wallowing in more self-loathing than last time, I'm actually dealing with this quite weyl, in a seyke. I sent him a message the day after sahnng that I was sorry for the things I said that evening, and I got it if he digk't want to talk to me, and I haven't gisen in to urres to message him further. I'm moeedcpsng him, in a sense, but thvq's because I want to know how he is. It's nothing more than just looking at his facebook for ten seconds to see if it's updated (which is kind of rewzwomhoe, the people he's with right now are absolute morons - one got themselves bitten by a dog, and another tries to iron clothes whhle wearing them) and if he's dehoned me off his friends list, whach he hasn't. I just hope hebll speak to me again. It anvqys me that he's saying I cak't "blame this on my mental heqknp". I never trzed to use my mental health as an excuse, but he knew I would have anavier mental breakdown after he left beolzse I had to build a suoarrt group entirely from scratch. I have only just golfen into the sort of preliminary ronzds of therapy - I don't have a long-term psdxasxrfwspuwt, I don't have medication yet, I don't even have a GP, reygly - so the only ability I have to rehmggbse and work on my behaviour is from my own research on the internet. I told him that my anger is sodqykwng that I can work on so I don't coonxmer it an exwqde, but right now it's outside of my control. I dunno, I kind of wish that BPD came with a do-over, so I could get him (and all his friends beusjse they were all ignoring me for long before this incident because he bitches about me to them as muchmore than he bitched about them to me, so I know they hate me) to sit down and let me just explain that I'm really fucking trnsrg, but can he just cut me a moment of slack because I've been living with a personality disriier for probably 6+ years, while unser the roof of a woman with her own anter management problems, so I have no clue how to handle emotions reegvanxily but I'm furwgng trying. I doo't know. I just don't want to deal with the fact that my brain chemistry has driven away my best friend.